The Ballad of Rich and Bill

Dear panel, Ms. Young and NEB staff,

I have decided to offer my comments on Kinder Morgan’s proposal in the form of a rhyming ballad. Neither the proponent nor the federal government appear to be taking this review process seriously, so I figure neither should we. With apologies to Robert Service, here it is:
“The Ballad of Rich and Bill”
Strange schemes are hatched in the Texas patch
By men with oil in their veins;
The Lone Star state has tales to relate
That would leave your conscience stained.
Those Houston boardrooms have hosted tycoons,
Greed-driven gamblers and sinners.
But none so headstrong as the boys from Enron:
The pair named Morgan and Kinder.
Now sixty years back, the CPR track
Was clearly the wrong place for oil.
But folks in B.C. needed petrol, you see
So the blasters and welders did toil.
One thousand klicks of right-of-way fixed
From Edmonton down to Vancouver.
The fuel was refined straight out of the line;
Few tankers the straits did maneuver.
The suburbs boomed and the freeways zoomed
Thanks to the cheap gasoline.
But demand on our streets could never compete
With the mighty American machine.
Plans were soon brewed to ship much of our crude
To the States, where it’s made into gas.
Like raw logs to chairs, Uncle Sam takes our wares
And we thank him for selling them back.
Refineries folded, their margins eroded
As folks bought their gas from the Yanks
The TransMountain pipe sat empty some nights
But Morgan and Kinder gave thanks.
Two Texas dandies with rear ends of candy
Had just dodged the Federal B.I.
As Enron imploded, this pair of freeloaders
Cashed out and skedaddled, knees high.
“That well is dry, Rich,” said Bill. “Time to switch!”
“Let’s find us a new golden goose!”
“Pack your bags, Bill,” said Rich with a trill.
“We’ll head for the land of the moose!”
“Canada?” Morgan let out a sad groan.
“But I don’t like Canadian bacon!”
“Nonsense,” said Kinder, “they’ve black gold aplenty.
Those yokels will pay us to take it.”
Terasen cut a deal and the price was a steal.
The Texans had their new investment.
They filled up the pipe with the heaviest type
Of crude, and the pumps never rested.
Bitumen turns rich men into richer men:
Morgan and Kinder are proof.
U.S. refiners could not get enough
And profits were soon through the roof.
“This pipe’s printing money!” said Bill with a squeal,
“Let’s find a new country to bilk!”
His eyes cold as steel, Rich countered with zeal,
“This cow’s got a lot more to milk.
Where’s your audacity? Let’s triple capacity.
We’ll load three big boats at a stroke.”
“But the public review! We’ll never get through.”
Rich laughed. “The whole thing is a joke!”
A panel was struck. The boys were in luck!
The feds told them what was in store.
The review was for show. They’d never say no.
Tough questions would all be ignored.
Folks were taken aback. “The deck has been stacked!”
Said dozens of stunned intervenors.
Morgan and Kinder were rubbing their hands.
“Let’s take all these fools to the cleaners!”
The mayors were furious. “You can’t be serious!”
Said Corrigan, Robertson, Helps.
People in Burnaby cursed the word NEB,
But the board ignored their yelps.
That’s when a vigilant posse of citizens
Spotted a drill on the mountain.
They sought to prevent what they saw in ’07
When crude spewed forth like a fountain.
A skirmish broke out. People started to shout.
Some dared make a #KMface.
The company slapped them with costly court action.
Their crime? “Breaching personal space.”
Police put a line up, and people they lined up
Willingly facing arrest.
That’s when police and the public found out:
Kinder Morgan can’t read GPS.
The judge tossed the case. Kinder lost face,
And soon settled most of the suits.
The workers wrapped up, the drill rig packed up.
You could call it a holiday truce.
Til’ a morning soon after – a PR disaster,
As oil washed up on the beaches.
The Coast Guard station was empty, left vacant!
Even pipeline supporters were speechless.
Then in September, for as you remember,
The project still faced inspection –
A slew of dissenters and experts descended
On Burnaby, in an election.
The campaign raged, and on the front page
People saw two things in the news:
The wankers who still supported more tankers,
And this joke of a pipeline review.
Out came the voters. Nineteenth of October,
They showed up en masse at the polls.
The winning crew launched a proper review
Kinder Morgan’s mistruths were exposed.
Bill said to Rich, “I guess they’re not chumps.”
Said Rich, “we can still have some fun yet.
Let’s go on the stump for President Trump!”
And the two rode into the sunset.
Strange schemes are hatched in the Texas patch
By men with oil in their veins;
The Lone Star state has tales to relate
That would leave your conscience stained.
Those Houston boardrooms have hosted tycoons,
Greed-driven gamblers and sinners.
But none so headstrong as the boys from Enron:
The pair named Morgan and Kinder.

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