Anti-water protesters rally by the dozens

VANCOUVER – Despite having bodies made up mostly of water, dozens of angry middle-aged men gathered over the weekend to protest regulations designed to protect B.C. rivers, aquifers and beaches.

The crowd chanted pro-pollution slogans, pausing only to slake their thirst with pure, refreshing water and water-based beverages.

Funded by a thinly-veiled oil industry front, many of the protesters travelled from Alberta to tell British Columbians and local First Nations what to do.

“I love visiting Vancouver,” said Brent Johnson of Calgary, sporting a black cotton “I ❤ LAYING PIPE” t-shirt manufactured with copious amounts of water. “The waterfront here is beautiful. But you know what would make it better? Hundreds of crude oil tankers.”

At press time, protesters were trying to reconcile their innate hatred for Justin Trudeau with his obvious support for their agenda.

Yes, this article is satire.

8 Responses to “Anti-water protesters rally by the dozens”

  1. Neila Morrison says:

    HeeHee, Love it, love it, love it!

  2. Cleve Sturdy says:

    …as she/he pulls into the gas station with a bigoted grin on their face to fill up the car to go home to their fossil fuelled heated home. Hypocrisy on more than one level to be sure. Satire? Not really…

  3. Ryan Dyjur says:

    Clean water and oil are not mutually exclusive. The original trans mountain line has operated for 65 years without contaminating water. Ending reliance on oil and continuing to use oil products are mutually exclusive however. You can’t guarantee that a spill will occur but I can assure you that almost every product in your life, every piece of food you eat, all your clothes, your electronics etc. were in some way procured with the help of oil. See the flaw in your logic ?

  4. Matthew Hamer says:

    Satire or not, this is a very disingenuous representation of an event that I attended. Yes, the turnout was small. However, the speakers and participants included First Nations, political leaders and young men and women – speaking in favour of TMX. We need to move the debate from name calling and shaming to crafting practical solutions and collaboration.

  5. Matthew Hamer says:

    Yes, the turnout was small. However, it was a diverse audience. And the speakers included elected MLAs, First Nations and young men and women, all who spoke passionately about the benefits the pipeline will provide to Canadians, including First Nations. Respectfully, it is time for both sides of the debate to come together with collaborative solutions that enable a managed transition to a new energy economy.

  6. Trevor Marr says:

    Yes we need to be responsible and mitigate risks, set regulations, follow protocol. But in reality, twinned pipelines are actually SAFER pipeline systems because they allow continual maintenance and operation. That is a good thing and keeps us safe. It makes zero sense to protest against a safer pipeline system. Hopefully the protestors will educate on such a fact.

  7. Robin Chakravarti says:

    Oh, Gawd! There are more responses, on this page, from oil-industry spades (wait a minute — I meant to say “hoes”), than there were people in the audience at the “idiots rally” for fossil fuels.

    And there are dumber justifications for fossil fuel use being espoused here, than were espoused by the bought-and-paid-for speakers there. You basic thesis seems to be, “If were good enough fer muh granpappy, it’s good enuf fer me.”.

    Come back to Vancouver in 10 years. When you leave you can take an electrical cab to our electrical sky-train and use the electrical escalators to get your new Electric Ducted Fan jet to fly yourself back to the gigantic tailings pond that is Alberta. Then you can say, “I sacrificed my beautiful Alberta for additional profits for a bunch of Texans” and be very, very happy.

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